i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
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Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder