*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
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I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
From my Mom
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…