In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
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Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?