Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
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Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away