Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
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so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I’m a self-made hundredaire
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
😂😂😂😂😂😂
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Meeeee too!
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello