he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
You Might Also Like
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Dietest Coke
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.