“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
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If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Just this preview of the story is enough
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”