I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
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Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around