If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
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– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I hope this email punches you square in the face