My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
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New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
wait.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.