Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
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“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Worst Native American name ever.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks