Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
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parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.