my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
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One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Sell your car
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
TODAY
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.