If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
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Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Growing up was a huge mistake
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.