Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
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grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real