When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
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don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran