townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
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Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
not seeing the problem
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
$3 #books
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do