I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
You Might Also Like
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.