It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
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Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
#TopTip
scares
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
¯_(ツ)_/¯
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
This could be us but you eatin’