I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
You Might Also Like
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.