[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
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clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.