The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
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How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”