[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
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Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
drew a comic about my origin story
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.