Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
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I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
multitasking lunch
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
me hooking up with my ex
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”