*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
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[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.