When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
You Might Also Like
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Well, this certainly took a turn
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
The Weeknd is back
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!