You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
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Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!