imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
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Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]