Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
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Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
[loses house key, starts a new life]
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera