You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I self medicate, therefore you live.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis