ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
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Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.