So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Bootstraps
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu