Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
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You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
(yawn)
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned