I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.