EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
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*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
#Caturday
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups