Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
You Might Also Like
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.