*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
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Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My god she’s good.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
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Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.