I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
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I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Only short people can save us
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.