DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
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8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
how to have fun when you’re poor
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.