The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
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Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!