Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
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Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
i want the dreams to chase me for once
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
mood
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.