i hate you platonically
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If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there