Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
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*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Hello Twits.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.