BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
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dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.