Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
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The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/