this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
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Hank is one in a melon.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”