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Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
pls suprot
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
A short story of betrayal:
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.