It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
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I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
They’re not wrong
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
🐕🍷
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]