boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
You Might Also Like
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Ok who’s got my black socks?
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.