When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
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i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
*looks at you in batman voice*
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.